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Craig’s List

February 26, 2014
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Five (Belated) New Year’s Resolutions for Musicians

The Times Square ball has dropped, the confetti’s been swept up, and it’s time to think seriously about New Year’s Resolutions for 2014. But if a month has gone by and you’re still too hung over to think, no problem—here are five “preset resolutions” that are ready to rock!

1
Don’t say something is “da bomb.” Especially when you’re at an airport. You might not want to say it on the phone, either. Come to think of it, you probably don’t want to say it at all—your laptop and TV are listening. So is your neighbor, who’s always suspected your “musician” gig is just a cover for something involving North Korea or possibly, illegal dachshunds. Plus, “da bomb” is dorky.

2
Resolve to write better music. Note that this doesn’t mean the same thing as it does in pop music, where writing “better” music means “steal from more obscure sources, preferably involving artists who are dead and therefore will not hire lawyers.”

3
Clean your computer keyboard. Seriously. Turn your keyboard upside down and see what falls out—if you dare. You’ll see the carcasses of small insects that may be extraterrestrial in origin, hair (hopefully yours), more dust variants than science can classify, moldy crumbs from the pizza that gave you food poisoning back in July . . . actually, on second thought don’t clean your keyboard. Burn it and buy a new one.

4
Back up your data religiously. By “religiously,” I don’t mean praying to the Computer Gods. That’s not enough! You need to perform sacrifices to the Computer Gods. If you don’t, the Computer Gods will choose their own arbitrary sacrifices, like a hard drive or two. Nearby lightning strikes that take out motherboards are popular, too. The Computer Gods are not benevolent gods.

5
Finish your songs, dammit! Make a pledge to defeat “DAW’s Syndrome,” in which patients believe in the importance of making never-ending, inconsequential changes to music. As spokesman Axl Rose states, “It took 10 years and millions of dollars, but I finally beat DS. Sadly, Dr. Dre has succumbed, and we may never hear the album Detox that he started in 2001. Please, give generously to ‘Artists Against DS.’ And remember, put down that damn mouse!

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