And you thought the Winter Olympics were only about skiing, bobsledding, curling, and all that other frozen stuff? Just because the musician events don’t get coverage on NBC doesn’t mean they don’t exist—and we’ll certainly be watching to see which records fall this year!
1 The Yngwie Malmsteen Notes Per Second competition. While tainted by the previous arpeggiation scandal that led to the banning of all electronic instruments, the appeal remains of musicians playing as many notes as they can, as fast as they can, regardless of any musical relevance.
2 The Golden Ears Acting competition. This new event involves acting abilities for the very first time, and is open to audiophiles as well as musicians. The competitors listen to music with a 192kHz sample rate, and whoever does the most convincing job of making the judges think they actually hear a difference wins the competition—as well as gets to sign an endorsement deal with the famed fashion line, “Emperor’s New.”
3 The Website Money- Making marathon. In this marathon, musicians are given two weeks to try to make over $22.50 from selling their music on the web. Although there haven’t been any winners yet, the Olympic committee keeps hoping that 2014 will be the year. Or maybe 2018.
4 The P.A. Speaker Toss event. Calling all muscle-bound roadies! In this replacement for the groupie-juggling event of previous Olympics, contestants are given “portable” P.A. speakers, and whoever can toss them the furthest wins. In the event of a tie, the speaker tosser who causes the most damage wins—and as an additional reward, will be recruited immediately by UPS.
5 The DAW Bootup Race Against Time. Competitors are all given identical $399 Windows laptops from Office Depot—complete with unfathomable amounts of bloatware—along with installation discs for a DAW (as chosen by OSC, the Olympic Software Committee). Contestants then try to beat the world’s record time of 22 hours, 36 minutes, and 12 seconds from first turning on the computer to recording an actual audio track. Sorry, but insiders expect the current record to stand.